Hareye Bunny

Listening to: "I'm Not Your Toy" - La Roux

Mood: Homesick

As I wake in a cold pool of sweat, my mind stuck in a state between the conscious and subconscious, my hand begins it's search. Gently slipping, feeling around, trying to find something, someone. Feeling only cool linen sheets, the barrier between the conscious and subconscious collapse. The mind once again in control of the body. The body bolting up, eyes open, scanning the dark room. Nothing. Nobody. Only a single soul fills this bed.

The horror that had awaken the mind, moving it from a deep state of subconscious to a state of limbo floods back. Hitting hard with a surging sense of fear. The blaring red announcing a mere 2am. Quick calculations in a murky mind, it's 11pm, 21hours in the future. You, still at the party, in close proximity with her. Heart palpitating.

Hoping that it was all a dream. Only a dream. You back with her. Photographic evidence. You and her. Together. Lip to lip.

Stuck in a world more than 8100km away from home, away from you, I sit helpless. I lie awake, waiting for sleep and my subconscious to once again take over. Plunge me into a world of imaginations and my inner thoughts.

"And it's been ten days without you in my reach, and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep. And time has changed nothing at all - you're still the only one that feels like home...."

Every opportunity I got to talk to you, I simply didn't know how to tell you. How was I to tell you that despite what you say, my subconscious still had this immense fear of her? Every opportunity I had, I was distracted but the sheer fact I was talking to you. So now as I leave this place of the past I relinquish those fears that had weighed me down.

I no longer fear the future, but embrace it. With you by my side, we can conquer whatever gets thrown in our way.

Je t'aime my little bunny.

xx

Where Do You Get Your Inspiration?

Listening to: "My Number" - Tegan & Sara

Mood: Happy

Where do you get your inspiration?

Chuck Palahniuk. One of my utmost favourite authors. Everything his writes has odd twists and turns you wouldn't expect, always intriguing the reader. I finally got my hands on the final novel of his that I was missing from my collection; "Diary". This novel questioned where one gets their muses from. It explored how one would tap into their creative side, the right side.

One thing that stuck with me was the fact that sparks of inspiration and creativity come from times when emotions are running high. Any emotions regardless of whether they're happy or sad, emotions aid in creativity. Emotions enables us to overcome the barrier between the left and right hemispheres of the brain and allow the two sides to work either together, or enables the right side to dominant temporarily.

I have always found this fact true. When emotions surge through my veins I tend to be able to write better, or compose with much more ease. It's as if when emotions pulse through you allow them to seep into what you write which paints the page with words or little black dots on manuscript.

Also I seem to write and compose best when it's not forced. Though this is a given, I really noticed this during the two HSC years I had just experienced. When I was told to write a creative piece for English, or to compose a piece of music, I never enjoyed the process and it showed in the end result. I didn't like a single piece of writing or music I wrote in Year 11, they simply didn't represent me or have any elements of me, it was merely words on a page and notes on a staff. However, in the summer holidays (actually these holidays but a year ago) I began writing things just for fun because I had all the time in the world to muck around. The two compositions I submitted for my HSC started from those snippets of boredom compositions I had produced. My English creative began as a personal piece which fitted perfected for the requirements.

I was going to write a creative piece for this entry, but simply couldn't produce any ideas or any start. Not going to try anymore, just let whatever happens happen.

xx

Protection Or Control?

Listening to: "The Nanny" (TV show)

Mood: Happy but exhausted

There's a fine line between being protective, and being controlling, but where does this line lie? When does being protective suddenly topple over the line and become controlling?

As my background is Asian, this line isn't very prominent. My parents always say "we're doing it to protect you" but many times it seems controlling. Every movement is restricted at every angle. They control my income as they are my employees. They control what I wear buy restrict what they buy me, and obviously as the income I receive is controlled, therefore what I can spend is restricted. Even the way I look is almost regulated, though I do try to "do what I please".

The income I receive is limited by what wages they pay me per day. No, I'm not allowed to take up another job to get more money because "family business comes first".

Recently I chopped off my long locks. I had hair down past my boobs, it is now only about a few centimeters long. The moment I walked through the door they gasped "omg you look like a lesbian now!", how ironic. Regardless, they had a huge hissy-fit and constantly declared that I'm becoming gay. (Guess it shouldn't come as a surprise now that I am dating a girl.)

They control what I wear by trying to guilt trip me into changing. They know that I would do my best to please them as I'm one of those people who try to please everyone and never disappoint. They complain that they can see a bra-strap, they complain because they can see a little cleavage. They tell me I'm too fat to wear short dresses or skirts, or even tight clothing.

They too try to regulate what I attend, and who I'm with. Since turning 18, one rule regards clubbing. I am unable to attend unless with my older cousin, or a boyfriend. My cousin stuck up a bargain, if I take her, I pay for everything. Drinks, entry fee, everything. The latter option is not a viable option at all.

I think being brought up in an environment like this has influenced me, no surprises there. I feel too that the line between protection and control is blurred for me. I try to do things to protect my girl, but sometimes I feel I've overstepped the boundary and have begun to control her by regulating what she does. I tell myself it's for her own good, for her health that I try to regulate what she does, but it's also because what she does goes against my own morals.

In some areas the distinction between protection and control are obvious, in other situations, it's not so obvious. So I guess all you can do is stand up for yourself when the time comes but don't fight everything because sometimes it's truly good for you.

xx

For The Bible Tells Me So

Listening to: "For The Bible Tells Me So" (film)
Mood: Annoyed

As I sit here watching "For The Bible Tells Me So", I can feel my blood boil. Literalist readers of the Bible really sparks anger within me, but it's not only the literalist readers, but also literlist believers. People need to understand that the Bible must be interpreted and applied within context and not taken out of context, which it is frequently done, especially with the Sodom and Gomorrah passages.

I have no problem with Christianity and all other religions, I don't have a problem with the Bible either. I grew up going to first an Anglican school followed by a Methodist then to another Anglican school. However, the fact that Christians think that they are better than everyone else because they ARE Christians is ridiculous. By no means am I saying that all Christians are like this, they're not, but some are and I really wonder why. Because they're Christian they believe that they have better moral and ethics than the rest of us simply because it's outlined in the Bible, but wake up, these moral and ethics are pretty much common sense.

Today marks another day for gay activists to protest against the Marriage Act 1961 which prevents same-sex couples from marrying and recognised under the law as a married couple. It's a pity I won't be able to attend yet another protest. This protest follows the denial of another Bill from passing that would've enabled same-sex couples to be lawfully wedded.

One article that I read really struck a nerve. The author of that piece quoted someone who said that same-sex marriage is like incest, that a man should not marry his brother and a woman shouldn't marry her sister. Wake up, same-sex couples aren't half as bad as those who marry their second cousins, or married in uncles and aunts. That is much much worst, yet same-sex couples are being put on par with those who practice incest.

Despite more than 60% of Australians approving of same-sex marriage, the Government still denies those wishing to marry from doing so. Sure, same-sex couples are a minority, but shouldn't every member of society receive equal rights?

Though, I must admit, I'm glad that at least the ACT has a ceremony for Civil Unions, but honestly, how can such an "accepting" country only have one state allow this to happen? And even then, it's only a Civil Union and not a lawful marriage.

There are also many misconceptions about gay people. Sure I'm not one to approach, I wouldn't know the first thing about being gay, as my girl puts it I'm a straight-gay. But it's not a choice, but something that happens naturally. I didn't wake up one morning thinking, "hey I'm just going to be gay now and pursue this girl", it was more instantaneous and spontaneous. However, "flaming gays" as my girl puts it, live their life feeling that they don't fit the mold of liking the opposite sex. Think about it this way, how do you know you're a heterosexual? It's because that's the way you've been brought up to believe. This goes for everything else, society dictates what's right and what's wrong, using the Bible to back up their arguments. That's all the Bible is these days in situations like these, the Bible is used to back up inappropriate arguments.

By no means am I accusing all Christians, hell I know many Christians who don't think they're the only ones going to heaven simply because they attend church and pray everyday. But there are many I've seen who try to force people into Christianity and don't understand, can't comprehend that we simply just don't believe the same beliefs as them. Though all the same following the same code of conduct.

If God was really the creator of everything and accepts everyone, then he should have no problem with gay people, because he created them too.

All these arguments saying that the Bible says that homosexuality is an "abomination" is ridiculous, the word homosexuality didn't come about until much later. And people much remember that the Bible is a collection of stories, parables from FOLLOWERS of Christ, and not from God or Christ himself, so the accuracy could also be questioned.

I also despise the fact that churches believe that they can "get rid" of someone's homosexuality. It's part of them, and you can't change it. It's inevitable that they'll remain that way. And who's to say that homosexuals can't be Christian's too?

It's because society is so close minded and not accepting of homosexuality that many have sought only one release; suicide, another abomination in the Bible. Society and the Bible creates and induces a fear of not being accepted because of differences which creates tension and sees problems arise. Hopefully today's protest would show that despite differences, everyone should still be treated equally.

Perhaps I'll be here for the next protest to stand up for my rights.

xx

Ambitions

Listening to: "Pruit Igoe & Prophecies" - The Philip Glass Ensemble

Mood: Exhausted

As the high school chapter of my life came to a close, I was told life truly began. For me that meant new ambitions had to be fulfilled. I have a long list of things I want to start again or begin as of 2010 as I now have all this free time on my hands, because school is no longer a hindering factor and no longer a reason to prevent me from completing what I want. However, as I reviewed my list of ambitions I had a reality check, it's almost impossible to do everything on that list. I guess you're wondering what's on this ridiculous list of mine, well this is what I have thus far:

• go to Uni
  
• go to work, and earn some monies
  
• begin ballet again
• go to French Patisserie classes
• start cooking
• continue with my clothing projects
• get the next piano diploma; A-Mus
• begin to learn the guitar again

I think there might be more that I can't think of at the moment, but that's the list thus far. Not only will I struggle to fit this all into my timetable, but I will definitely struggle financially to pay for all the tuition and side-projects I have going.

On top of all this I have to stay healthy, and keep in touch with outside world. Not to mention now that I'm in a relationship, I must make time to see my beautiful girl. Though I'd be more than happy to drop something to see her, like she has done for me. Though these things are a given, looking at that long list, I wonder where everything would fit? I'm sure many of you have noticed that in one week we have 7 days, and in each of those 7 days we have only a mere 24hrs. However, if you're like me and need at least 6-8+ hrs sleep then you would have a lot less than 24hrs.

I guess at the moment I've realised how unrealistic these ambitions are and that I quite honestly do not have enough hours, or days to do everything. I think it's time for me to reconsider what's on my list and what the most to accomplish before the end of 2010. Though many of these are beginnings of something that will last beyond 2010, and some will be useful for a lifetime. They say the sky's your limit, but have limits come in many different forms.

xx

Confrontation

Listening to: "Man Eater" - Nelly Furtado

Mood: Happy

Recent changes to my life has thrown my mind into overdrive. One major thought that has crossed my mind time and time again in the last couple of weeks is why people can't seem to confront a situation head on. People would avoid confrontation at all costs, they would rather wonder for 500 miles rather than taking a direct, shorter route. It is this fact that puzzles me.

I hear from friends of mine who are like, "people are talking, their confused and wondering". Well if they're wondering, come and confront me. Ask me, the source of the talk. Sure, confrontation can get awkward, or whatever, but grow some balls and speak up.

The problem of confrontation isn't only annoying me on my front, but watching others I wonder, why? I've seen so many people being used and walked all over, and you can tell they know this too, and you wonder, why? Why do you let this happen? Why don't you part your lips and let your thoughts tumble of the tip of your tongue? I've always been the type of speak my mind, I probably speak more before I think than vice versa. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. That's not to say I don't think of the consequences of my words, I do, but sometimes the truth isn't better left unsaid. Nobody knows you better than you do, so why not voice what you have to say?

A confrontation of another sort is confronting someone you like, and admitting out loud that you like them. Sure this is probably easier said than done, but I've done it and it's not that hard. Sure, rejection is hard to swallow, but I guess I hate living in a world of 'what if'.

Without taking a deep breath and jumping into the abyss of unknown, the world cannot possibly progress forward. Sure that's speaking in the larger scheme of things, but it's applicable to those of individuals. If you don't take a risk, you might miss a lot of opportunities that stare you right in the face.

xx

Kidlets

Listening to: Ellen Degeneres Show
Mood: Exhausted

As procrastination takes over, surfing the internet for entertainment begins. Facebook. Twitter. Ninemsn. Blogger. Ah a new post from a friend of mine, and as I read the post, my mind began to churn and digest the information, opinions, thoughts began to bubble.

It's ironic how life works out, not to mention slightly hypocritical. As I sailed through my last leg of highschool, I glanced back to watch the younger grades, to observe. I watched on as little girls squealed over a friend who bagged herself a boyfriend. I watched as they discussed life changing topics; "what should I wear this weekend?"

I listen on with frustration, and wonder why there is a need to discuss such important, vital topics. However, as my frustration began to seep away I realised, I was no different at that age. I too spoke excitedly about encounters with the opposite sex, I too discussed with friends what I should wear on the weekend, I too squealed with excitement when a friend bagged herself a boyfriend.

It's ironic, hypocritical, call it what you will. As people age, mature, their thoughts and opinions obviously change too. It's all part of life, to laugh at the blunders you made along the way.

So I've criticised the younger kids, what about those my own age? Well, honestly, it's no different. Sometimes I sit and wonder, "Why are we discussing this? Is it necessary?". As I sit here writing this post I'm actually pondering on what I discuss in my circle of friends, what makes time go by as we chat over lunch. Clearly, it's nothing worth remembering as I have no recollection of what I discuss. Sure there's a few things such as upcoming events that we discuss, tv shows/movies. I understand not every discussion must be about something worth remembering, that'd would soon too become blase, but every now and then would spice up the conversations.

Perhaps, I should just stop complaining and start stirring things up a bit more. Note to self.

xx

The Closet

NOTE: I began writing this a long time ago but never posted it up anywhere because it was my creative piece for my HSC and it was for the protection of copyright etc.etc.

They say everyone have skeletons in the closet, but I wonder what the future holds if my closet was to open and my skeletons see the light of day.

Parents say that they will love you no matter what you do, regardless of the stupid mistakes made along the way. They promise to stand by you, but those are mistakes. My closet, my Pandora’s box may test the limits to this theory.

This burden upon my shoulder pulses searing pain allowing it to ricochet off every crevice, every bone, vein in my body. Never ceasing to remind me of what I have kept secret for almost a decade. I guess it just shows the determination of my former eighteen-year-old self. But I don’t believe it was simply determination that kept me quiet, but the fear of being alone, the fear of being the odd one out, the fear of being lost without a guide. There is, however, one person who I’ve shared this burden with for the decade.

“Love, I’m heading down to Woolies. Need anything?”

I turn to see Luci, my beautiful girlfriend of ten years today, standing by the door. Dressed only in a Bond’s singlet, which skimmed over her gorgeous hourglass figure and a pair of boyshorts. She’s the only one I’ve trusted enough to open my closet to, to reveal what makes me me, my true identity. I shook my head and watched as she smiled cheekily before turning to leave.

As I cast my eyes towards the glowing monitor a wooden frame caught my gaze. Trapped inside the four wooden sides were my mother, father and brother, all smiling. So they say parents will love you no matter what, how about siblings? The questions of how they would react if my closet door were to be opened and my skeletons were to roam freely began to bubble in my mind once again.

RING!
The silvery tune of the doorbell pierced my thoughts, drawing me away. I slowly navigated my way through the box maze of our new apartment, our new home. Luci had wondered how I had so much to bring to our new home; I simply said to make it more homely. I guessed she wanted a new, fresh start. Perhaps that’s why she invited my family over for a house warming.

The wooden door let out an eerie creak as it opened to reveal an unlabelled cake box staring at me with a blank stare; a welcoming gift. I carefully picked up the box and found my way to the kitchen. I placed it gently on the bench, eager to find out what delicious surprise I was about to discover.

“Sweet, close your eyes I have a small surprise.”

Without hesitation I allow my eyelids to flutter shut; I watched as everything faded into a dark abyss. Luci’s supple hand slipped into mine.

“Follow me.”
My footstep falling into sync with hers.

As I took a peak, resting on in a small woven basket laid a small puppy. We had discussed getting a puppy, a child several times before, as we couldn’t have kids. We had even thought ahead and purchased an apartment that was pet friendly. We had even thought of a name, Digby.

“I love you.”
And with that she swept in and planted her soft lips against mine.

“What’s in the box?”

The distraction Luci and Digby served drew my thoughts completely away from the mysterious white box. A gentle tug and the lid popped free to reveal a chocolate cake with white cursive handwriting with a distinctive message punctured in.
‘Get out of town fags’

I slammed the lid shut, but it was too late. Luci had seen the message.
“I thought this was a nice neighbourhood.”

I took her into my arms.
“It’s alright. We’ll be alright.”

*

RING! RING!
With anger and fear pulsing through my veins, I approached the door with caution. As I opened the door a whisk of fresh air laced with a familiar fragrant pushed past me; the fragrant that reminded of home, of comfort, my mother. I opened just enough to peak through and it was who I feared most, my family. Their arrival prompted me to think of my dilemma once again, making the cake catastrophe seem like child’s play.

As I slowly lead them to the lounge room my head played multiple scenarios of how I would unveil this burden I’ve been carrying to my family. How I would introduce this girl who’s been in my life for so long to them. I’ve never brought her home to meet my family; this burden had always hindered my ability to do so.

“Mum, dad, Johnny…I need to talk to you.”

The seriousness in my voice washed the smiles from their faces and replaced it with curiosity, confusion and a dash of fear.

“This is my girlfriend Luci…”

My father dared not look me in the eyes. His lips formed the word ‘girlfriend’ before he found his booming loud voice again and announced it, his unexpected booming loud voice throwing everyone off balance. My mother’s eyes welled up in tears and kept asking the same question, why? My older brother, Johnny, all he could do was stare. The silence broken with one statement, “I don’t know you anymore Amelia“ and with that he left, the door severing the ties between brother and sister.

I guess I know what it’s like to have your skeletons walking by your side.

Green-ey'd Monster

Listening to: "Lower It" - A.F.I

Mood: Tired, but happy

What do you do when your insecurities and fears stand in the way of you enjoying and basking in the moment that is now? Your insecurities spark jealous that isn't warranted, your insecurities create an illusion that perhaps things aren't the way you thought they were. What do you do?

Many of these insecurities have roots from somewhere deep, or not so deep, within. Sure I've discussed insecurities before, but this is from a perspective where insecurities induce paranoia, or something along the lines of paranoia.

These insecurities lead you to question things that the "ordinary person" would perhaps not question. However, these insecurities I speak of, which are my own, have been built over the last 18 years and overcoming them would deem to be a more difficult task than one would think. Constantly being put down, being told that no matter what you do you're not good enough for whatever it is, begins to eat away at one's soul. Sure that sounds extreme, but it is. If one's insecurities can lead to things as extreme as paranoia, I don't see why it can't been seen as devouring one's soul, or at least self-esteem.

The problem I face is the constant skepticism that comes to mind when someone tells me something that could be potentially life changing, or perhaps just comments that a rarely presented. However, this life changing situation I face raises many questions of my own identity which I guess I must answer before facing the situation itself. Regardless of how life changing it may be, there are clear and definite lines I mustn't cross, and if so, face severe and harsh consequences.

Everything this person says, or everything this person does, you wonder, could there possibly be another connotation, and with that gears begin to whirl. You wonder why, why me? They answer your question confidently, then you begin to wonder if you really possess the attributes they have presented you with. However, sometimes you truly do believe that it could be true, then those thoughts are rudely interrupted by Mr. Skepticism who shattered the illusion, or perhaps reality you see.

But it isn't only the skepticism that is induced by this insecurity, this demon, but it's the jealousy. As the wondrous William Shakespeare put it, jealousy "is the green-ey'd monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on" and it's true. Jealousy, along with other things, eats up the soul, it's a monster that feeds upon these horrible traits such as jealousy. However, it's inevitable that we fall to the hands of jealousy and become a marionette controlled by a green eye'd puppeteer. Ok perhaps all these metaphors are taking it too far, but you get the idea. I can't help but get jealous when they say something about someone else, and with that the cycle continues and the skepticism steps in to take charge once more.

Loyalty. Trust.

Listening to: "White Cluster" - Opeth
Mood: Annoyed

You break your loyalty then you inevitably shatter the trust you have built. Both are ineluctably linked. (And yes, I just realised how many of my posts have been about how things are all some how linked, but they all are. It's unavoidable.) However, my realisation of this undeniable connection happened to be possibly the worst way to discover it, and quite frankly I'm annoyed that it happened. Not only simply because it had happened, but because it happened at such awful timing. How is the timing awful? Well considering I close the chapter of my highschool life next Wednesday (30th of September), I would have liked to have ended on a good note, but instead I get stuck with this juvenile, immature rubbish. Not to mention it's awful timing because it's crashed me from my wonderful mood that I've had since my 18th birthday last Thursday.

So I'm guessing you want to know what this crazy link+rant it about. Surprise, surprise, it's about the Year 12 formal. So the tables have been organised, seating plan handed to the seating coordinator in our grade and things were brilliant and rosy; everyone was happy. However, that took a turn for the worst today. As I sat enjoying the mid-morning sun, and munching away on my morning tea a girl I don't particularly like nor get along with drops a bombshell, she's no longer bringing a partner and would like to sit on our table once again. Now thing is, the seating plan was to a T, a perfect, full 10 person table. We had no spare room, except my partner who's request is still being pended.

Now, this is the part that has turned my fantastic mood to see the worst. My "friends", one of which I considered to be a "best friend" all dislike this girl, let's call her CC. They all dislike her and were elated that she was sitting at another table, however, today they decided that they'd fight the battle with her, against me. Simply because my partner wasn't a definitely they decided, well you can "cancel" your invitation. Firstly, that's possibly the rudest suggestion I've ever heard. I'm stunned that it was even suggested. How can you possibly ask someone to do that? How can you ask someone to take their invitation back? Sure, it's not vital that I have a partner, but I have already asked and it's incredibly rude if I took my invitation back. What am I suppose to say? "Sorry. You can't come to my formal because I need to put this girl I don't like in your spot." A bit harsh I reckon.

Everyone in my group, and I mean EVERYONE, especially my "best friend" told me that "it's fine, you don't need your partner, just tell them not to come". What confuses me is that they worked so hard to try to convince me to get rid of my partner, or move. So furious as I was, I just said "f*** it, I'll move tables". Luckily, I get along with a heap of girls outside our group and I move myself to be with a group of girls that wouldn't make such an outrageous request.

I'm only annoyed as hell because my "best friend" decides that instead of backing me up she'll do this to me. I don't even know what to call 'this'. Nobody backed me up, but instead joined in and decides that this option is best, to give me this ultimatum. And now that I see where my "best friend" and "friends' " loyalty lie I know who I can trust, and it's definitely not them.

xx

What Do You Want?

Listening to: I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas

Mood: Excited

Ok, so I'm going to start this new post with two classic quotes that are somewhat intertwined; "you want what you can't have" and "you don't what you've lost until it's gone". As I sat and pondered I came across the connection that links these two quotes, proverbs. Perhaps other's have already discovered this and what not, but I've noticed the inextricable link between the two whilst thinking about a certain situation that's happening at school with some friends. I always seem to tap into something more general base by analysing situations.

So I came across this connection because at the moment there's a few "problems", shall we say, regarding formal partners. I'm the type of person where I can just sit and talk to almost everyone so I basically have friends in every group in my grade, and through other grades too. So this particular group I'm "part of" have a similar group in a boys school (I go to an all girls school) and there's a usual pairing system between the girls and the boys, however, some girls aren't close to some guys and so on, so forth. The question then lies with who takes the "left over" boys, and basically this is where those two quotes happened to find it's inextricable link to each other.

Girl A wants to take a partner and has the choice between Boy J and Boy C. Girl S, however, didn't initially want a partner but then decided since everyone else was taking one wanted to take one too, but from the boy's group so the boys all knew each other. Since Girl S decided she wanted a partner last she had last pick. So Girl A decides she wants to ask Boy J. Girl S for some peculiar reason desperately wants to take Boy J, and for reasons even more peculiar feels the need to ask Boy J who he'd rather take her or Girl A.

Ok there are several things wrong with this situation. Firstly, Boy J has always been a bit of a tool. Secondly, I don't even know why it even matters who takes who because in the end all the guys are going to be there and so are all the girls. These girls and boys aren't even dating or particularly good friends, so I don't see why who takes who was even something that needed to be decided on anyway.

Back to the situation, so Girl A through the great-vine finds out what Girl S has asked and what Boy J answered (he'd rather Girl S who asked, than Girl A who wants to take him to the formal). A whole heap of secrecy happened from girls who were suppose to be friends with Girl A and pretty much the whole thing just blew up and completely out of hand. (By the way, Boy J did a bit of bitching about everything and everyone)

Although that explanation is probably clearer in my mind as I know who's who and how those proverbs apply here the basic explanation of the link is that one of the girls wanted what she couldn't have so sought for what she wanted, in the end she lost a friendship with multiple people.

However, this is a crazy situation that has completely blown out of proportions, these two proverbs apply to other situations too. I'm an older sister, and I've done this on multiple occasions. Basically what is done is, say there are two different types of chocolate bars; milk and dark. I desperately want the milk because I hate dark, however, my little brother gets the milk. What I do is make the dark seem more enticing and lure my brother in trading. However, whenever that happens I always seem to second guess my trade and wonder if it was right to have traded that dark bar for a milk, I question whether it was in fact better than the milk. I guess this brings me into another proverb; "you can't have your cake and eat it too".

But with all that having been said, all of it comes back to one fatal flaw in the human mind; greed. And greed just leads to more flaws; jealousy, envy.

P.S: I love both milk and dark chocolate by the way.

xx

Validation

Listening to: Ashes - Trivium
Mood: Exhausted

As I sat eating lunch today with my small group of friends, I made an observation. It wasn't the observation that took me by surprise, but how much it occurs, and how everyone, I'm sure, has fallen victim to it at least once before. The need for validation.

So I sat there, and as I observed my group over lunch I saw a plethora of times where someone said something, hoping, waiting for someone to agree with them, to validate their point of view. I know I'm 100% guilty of this. I can almost say I probably seek some sort of validation everyday, in various forms, but nevertheless, validation is sought for.

Just over the course of our mere 40 minute lunch break I witnessed at least 3 different situations where validation was sought for, and they came in their own various forms.

One notable form that validation is sought for is when someone is telling an anecdote and someone joins in, trying to tell their own similar anecdote, but it's an anecdote with no substance. As in there's nothing interesting about it nor funny. Basically something not even worth mentioning. And I watched as this person paused, waiting for someone to validate what they had said. We all just sat there, but not just sitting there like we hadn't heard, but looking from one another with a look that clearly stamped, "what?!"

Another form of validation that I witnessed today was the need to, let's say, purchase validation or friendship. So there's this girl in my group, let's call her M. I'm not by all means saying that what M did was "sucking up", but it definitely felt like it to an extent. So she's not exactly the type of girl that everyone wants to be friends with or hang out with, so our group adopted her. She's the type of person who changes her opinions or whatnot, to fit in better with people, basically, she's a chameleon. A type of personality I despise most, people who have no opinions of their own, or their own 2 cents, it's like talking to a recording of yourself. Anyway, she bought me a chocolate muffin for lunch. It was absolutely lovely of her to do that, it was her shout and all, and completely unnecessary, I had my own money and everything, but nevertheless, she bought me a muffin. But she also bought the rest of my group little goodies too. She's always been the one to bring in cakes and homemade goodies to share, but it's almost like she needs to do something like that to secure her place with us. She says things that she thinks that we'd agree with, and constantly hopes that someone would pat on the head and tell her good job, but quite frankly there's nothing worth a pat on the head for.

Another telltale situation that is common for validation is, I guess you can call it, "fishing for compliments". I've done it, my friends have all pretty much done it before too. This is so common that after a while it's almost unnoticeable. For those who don't know what it is exactly, it's when someone brings up something in a statement, usually a flaw, and hope that someone would counter that statement. For example, "I really suck at painting." Sometimes this can go either way, perhaps they really do suck, and in that case sick it to them; gently. But a lot of the times the person is usually quite good at it and are just hoping that someone would appreciate their work.

When I started this blog entry however many minutes ago, I didn't really have a clear thought in mind, but after writing all that I've come to realise the fatal flaw in humans that influences this common human activity. Insecurities. They can make even the most confident person buckle at the knees, weak with anticipation and hope for validation. Looking back at all those moments where I've sought for validation, they all sourced from one thing, my insecurities. But by no means do those moments of validation build you up, well they definitely haven't helped me, because once someone validates whatever needs validating, you wonder if they truly meant what they said, or whether it was said simply to save you the searing pain of truth.

With all that said, I guess the need for constant validation is closely linked to the fact that no matter what we receive we always want more. What we have, what we get, is just never enough to satisfy us.

Heal The World

Listening to: Trust - Sevendust
Mood: the sickening feeling you get when you've eaten WAY too much

In the last couple of weeks I've been trying to compile a play-list of music I want played at my birthday party in a few weeks time. I sit and ponder what would I enjoy listening to, and what would the people I've invited enjoy dancing and listening to? I sat and scrolled through my 9000 track-list on iTunes and decide to first put in all the songs I share with specific people, ok so with that out of 20 odd songs I have 5, another 15 to decide. The latest hits perhaps? No, the DJ will have that. Classic songs I listened to as a child? Ok another 5 songs down, 10 to go. Then I began to think about songs that have been played at recent parties I've been to, like old school sort of songs that have been played, first thought; Michael Jackson.

I remember a time where I was the only person brave enough to admit I love Michael Jackson's music and everyone just said "how could you? He's a child molester!" but I just stuck to my guns and told them that I had grown up listen to Michael and that regardless of his personal life his music was still amazing. Boy did I get laughed at and now after his death all those people who laughed at me and made sly comments like that listen to his music constantly and say how much they love him. But do they really?

It annoys me to see people who do this. Why? Because I've experienced friendships somewhat like this scenario where they'll be there for all the good times, but disappear on you when you need them. Sure I'm merely a fan of Michael's, and not even a massive fan at that, but still it annoys me to see this happen.

A few years back, almost 5 now, just as his child molester case was coming to light, I made a DVD about something, can't remember exactly what, but Michael Jackson's "Heal The World" worked beautifully with is and I got so much criticism from people about it. And as I said before, those same people are now proclaiming how they love him, but none of them owned a CD or song by him before his tragic death on the 25th of June 2009.

Sure I'm probably overreacting, but I guess to some extent it shows what sort of person these people are, what sort of friends they're. Perhaps that taking a few steps to far to say they're the same in friendships, but who knows? It could be something so deep in their psyche that they haven't tapped into just yet, for all you know this could just be the surface of it all.

I'm one of those people who'd rather one best friend over ten friends. And if you happened to be that lucky one best friend, then I'm one to shift mountains to make them happy, to be there for them. This is perhaps why I'm worked up about something like this, loyalty is VERY important, so are other things of course.

But I guess there are always two sides to a coin and the flip would be the way the public has reacted over his death and it's just the amount of sudden acceptance that people are tapping into. But with that said, does that now mean that it's genuine or is it all due to peer pressure and it's all a facade to "fit in" as such?

xx

Inner vs. Outer

Mood: Exhausted

As I was exercising away in front of the TV watching My Best Friend's Wedding I realised something, the guys in that movie aren't good looking in the slightest, but their endearing characters made them seem more attractive and I realised how much a beautiful personally influences a person's perception. Sure, I somewhat knew this that inner beauty out weighs outer beauty, but I never truly realised this until I was watching unattractive guys prance around on TV and felt captivated by their personalities.

Sadly, society puts a heavy emphasis on out beauty and not so much on inner, and now it's not only affecting women but men as well. Men feel the need to bulk up, or slim down, they spend ages on their hair etc. This doesn't apply to all guys as I don't know what every guy is like, but with those I do know I see this new trent appearing. My little brother complains about how much he weighs saying he needs to lose weight, sad thing is he's lighter than me but also a whole lot taller. Men, the "new age man" has also "prettied" up. My little brother, and others I know, spend SO much time on their hair and once done it's a no touch zone. However, women are still somewhat more severe, I feel anyway.

I know a girl, SP, who was diagnosed with anorexia a year or so ago. She's fine now, eating and looking healthier. Another girl I know if you saw her you'd think she was anorexic and she one day announced that she will begin a severe diet regime once her thighs touch. Reality check, 99% of most women's thighs touch.

The media heavily influences women and show them unrealistic images of how they should look. Yeah, sure this issue has been raised time and time again, but has anything changed? Sure we as active females realise these are unrealistic, but it doesn't mean we stop comparing ourselves. The media's not going to change, they'll keep their skinny, anorexic looking models no matter what. I'm not saying all women are like this cuz I know a few girls who are proud of their bodies and are super confident, and sadly, I'm envious. I wish I could have that confidence.

Over the last two years I've put on the "HSC 8 kilos" and now looking back at old photos I was rather skinny, my weight was just in the normal zone, but I wasn't happy. I constantly tried to lose weight and now I wonder why. Especially looking back with this extra weight, I wish I hadn't been so stupid. Of course, now I'm trying frantically to lose the extra weight. I just can't help it, this focus on my weight is always brought to light by my family which has had detrimental affects on me.

I've always been picked on by my own family for my weight. Back when I was just normal, I was told I was too fat, that I needed to lose weight, stop eating junk food, exercise. This has always been the case ever since the turn into puberty. And now it's no different, it's actually more severe. For birthday's comments get thrown left, right and centre when I get a piece of cake, "should you really be eating that?". Somedays I do wonder if I have a bad relationship with food because of all these comments. I constantly count calories, I frequently skip meals, I would choose liquids over solid foods, I drink only diet soda and refuse to drink liquids over 100 calories unless it's a skim cappuccino (it stimulates the metabolism). I just can't help it.

It's scary to know that these comments are coming from those are suppose to love and accept who I am. I can understand them telling me this if I was actually overweight or fat to try to keep me healthy, but I'm not fat nor overweight. It's sad to know that these comments have stayed with me all this time, and I still can't shake them away. Regardless of what friends say I don't believe them. The guy I like constantly says how much better I look with the extra weight, but sometimes I wonder if he's telling the truth, and sometimes I just downright disagree with him.

What scares me the most is the joy, the thrill I get seeing the weight come off. And when I've reached the goal of losing say a kilo, I would just keep pushing the goal further and further away. No matter how much weight I lose I would still look at myself in disgust and wish to lose more, which I get is the mindset I had when I was skinnier.

I guess I just need to find that confidence deep within myself and slowly move away from this super body consciousness. If society is all for healthy looking girls or guys, then why is the pressure to be super skinny or absolutely gorgeous still there?

xx

Friends Forever

Listening to: Bury Your Head - Saosin

Mood: Tired

A friend once said to me that best friends are people who "prove" themselves to you. He didn't specify how they were to prove themselves, but he said you just knew that they have proven themselves worthy to be your best friend when they've done something incredible. And as I was lying awake in bed, as you do, my brain started churning away when it should've been shutting down. You know, when one thought leads to another and before you know it you have this huge mind-map, this huge tree of thoughts that branched its root from a simple question.

After he said this to me, I began to re-evaluate the few I consider my best friends. He informed me that he only has one best mate, as best friends/mates is something prestigious and should been given away as a title almost like an award. But I have so many people throughout my life I have considered my best friends, sure some have come back to bite me really hard on the ass, and some have stuck around, but many we're simply just not as close as we use to be, but we're still "best friends". And this whole "proving" throws me off a little, but I can see where he's coming from.

Here's an example, I have this girl in my grade at the moment and she suffers severe asthma. She never had it prior to her hike up Mount. Kilimanjaro and ever since then she has suffered life-threatening asthma attacks where her lungs fill with fluids and she can basically drown from internal fluids. Ok, that's the background of this friendship. Last year I witnessed something that has earnt the respect of this girl, let's call her T and the girl with asthma K. As a grade we went and had a dinner, like a little Christmas dinner, farewell for the summer sort of thing, and we were all dancing away when suddenly K has an asthma attack. Though, she goes everywhere prepared, steriods around her neck, and a bag full of drugs ready to be injected. I watched as T calmly called the ambulance after she injected her, I watched as T carefully dealt with the situation with calmness on her side as the rest of the grade stared in shock and fear. I admit, I was freaking out. I'm friends with K and it was difficult to see her suffer like that, I was too scared to more or act, but T just went about it. Does that define a best friend? I know for actual fact that they are, and have been even before her incident on Mount. Kilimanjaro.

I have this friend, C, I've known her since I was 10 and we use to do everything together, and I do mean everything. We hung out with only each other, until we hit highschool. The coming of Year 7 saw a dramatic change in who we hung out with and how much time was allocated to each other. Regardless, we still hung out during the weekends, but during the week we saw different people and sat apart. Year 8 saw my departure from that school, she was the only one who knew before I left that I was leaving. She even cried on my last day at school whilst everybody judged her, she kept my secret safe. And since then, well the time we've spent together has diminished to birthdays, which means twice a year and perhaps a few run in here and there. Sad thing is, we live so close to each other, our schools are so close, technology is blooming, and yet the friendship has seem to come to a stand still. Surprisingly, whenever I'm with her we talk like there's no tomorrow and it seems as if nothing's changed. She was always there for me, and I hope I was there for her too. We experienced the transition from children to teenagers together, and soon, teenagers to young women.

Mr. D, I've known him since I was 3, so that's 15 years. I won't lie, there are HUGE gaps in those 15 years where contact was lost completely, albeit the fact he lived 10m across the road. Yeap, he was a pre-school friend who became my neighbour, yet contact was rare, even when I lived there. Since I've moved, technology became our source of contact, and still today it is. We rarely see each other, and to be quite honest, for both Mr.D and Miss.C, I don't know much about them anymore. I have memories of times we've shared, but I don't know them. If you asked me what's their favourite colour, I couldn't tell you. What's their favourite food, drink, show, celebrity? - I couldn't answer. Sure ask me their birthday, ethnicity, phone numbers, email addresses, number of siblings and I can answer in a heartbeat. But do either friendships fit the mould that is a best friend?

So C and D I've known for a substantial period of my life, how about newer friendships that have been forged? Could they be determined to be best friends already, or is it too soon to say?

I've known G since my move to my new school, so it's been 4 years. In the past 4 years we've gotten to know each other quite well. We do a tonne of things together, she sleeps over once every week without fail. She's slept over my house for a week straight. My parents treat her like she's their child. Ask me who's her celebrity crush, whether she has a boyfriend, whether she's kissed someone yet, food she loathes, and I can easily answer them. I see her at least once everyday at school, and we frequently call each other and talk for long periods of time, whereas the other's I simply text. However, she has a myriad of people she regard as her best friends, and honestly I sometimes wonder where I stand. Perhaps this is what my friend meant when he said it was a privilege to be called someone's best friend.

LL I've known for about 3 years, and our friendship is built on many similarities. The love for music, and the arts. Some similar experiences, and many secrets shared. I don't know why, or how, but I trusted her so quickly and easily it scared me. We have frequent gaps of a good 6-7 months where we don't talk at all, then when we do we're constantly chatting on msn, texting or whatnot. I know at least 3 other people who's relationship with me is similar to this, well somewhat. JJ was a guy I had a major crush on and pursued a friendship with. AJ was someone I met through school and somehow a friendship has formed. Not sure how, it just has, we share nothing in common, we're almost polar opposites you could say. B is similar to LL. However, the last three I frequently see them and talk to them in person, or through the phone, especially B and AJ as we go to school together.

So, I've present a plethora of relationships I have and that I perceive as good friends, but do any of them fall under the best friend category? Have any of them done something so incredible that my life has hit a 180 because of it? Well, many of them have done things that I appreciate. Some have driven over an hour to come see me perform, or have come out to pick me up at 1am somewhere an hour away. Do these things count, or are they things that friends should do regardless of how "best" they are?

Personally, I'm one of those people who would rather 1 close friend over 10 friends, I have always said this about myself. Thinking about it now, am I one of those people? Out of these people, who is my best friend, or are they simply so different that you can't choose one and you must have several to appease your needs?

xx