Loyalty. Trust.

Listening to: "White Cluster" - Opeth
Mood: Annoyed

You break your loyalty then you inevitably shatter the trust you have built. Both are ineluctably linked. (And yes, I just realised how many of my posts have been about how things are all some how linked, but they all are. It's unavoidable.) However, my realisation of this undeniable connection happened to be possibly the worst way to discover it, and quite frankly I'm annoyed that it happened. Not only simply because it had happened, but because it happened at such awful timing. How is the timing awful? Well considering I close the chapter of my highschool life next Wednesday (30th of September), I would have liked to have ended on a good note, but instead I get stuck with this juvenile, immature rubbish. Not to mention it's awful timing because it's crashed me from my wonderful mood that I've had since my 18th birthday last Thursday.

So I'm guessing you want to know what this crazy link+rant it about. Surprise, surprise, it's about the Year 12 formal. So the tables have been organised, seating plan handed to the seating coordinator in our grade and things were brilliant and rosy; everyone was happy. However, that took a turn for the worst today. As I sat enjoying the mid-morning sun, and munching away on my morning tea a girl I don't particularly like nor get along with drops a bombshell, she's no longer bringing a partner and would like to sit on our table once again. Now thing is, the seating plan was to a T, a perfect, full 10 person table. We had no spare room, except my partner who's request is still being pended.

Now, this is the part that has turned my fantastic mood to see the worst. My "friends", one of which I considered to be a "best friend" all dislike this girl, let's call her CC. They all dislike her and were elated that she was sitting at another table, however, today they decided that they'd fight the battle with her, against me. Simply because my partner wasn't a definitely they decided, well you can "cancel" your invitation. Firstly, that's possibly the rudest suggestion I've ever heard. I'm stunned that it was even suggested. How can you possibly ask someone to do that? How can you ask someone to take their invitation back? Sure, it's not vital that I have a partner, but I have already asked and it's incredibly rude if I took my invitation back. What am I suppose to say? "Sorry. You can't come to my formal because I need to put this girl I don't like in your spot." A bit harsh I reckon.

Everyone in my group, and I mean EVERYONE, especially my "best friend" told me that "it's fine, you don't need your partner, just tell them not to come". What confuses me is that they worked so hard to try to convince me to get rid of my partner, or move. So furious as I was, I just said "f*** it, I'll move tables". Luckily, I get along with a heap of girls outside our group and I move myself to be with a group of girls that wouldn't make such an outrageous request.

I'm only annoyed as hell because my "best friend" decides that instead of backing me up she'll do this to me. I don't even know what to call 'this'. Nobody backed me up, but instead joined in and decides that this option is best, to give me this ultimatum. And now that I see where my "best friend" and "friends' " loyalty lie I know who I can trust, and it's definitely not them.

xx

What Do You Want?

Listening to: I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas

Mood: Excited

Ok, so I'm going to start this new post with two classic quotes that are somewhat intertwined; "you want what you can't have" and "you don't what you've lost until it's gone". As I sat and pondered I came across the connection that links these two quotes, proverbs. Perhaps other's have already discovered this and what not, but I've noticed the inextricable link between the two whilst thinking about a certain situation that's happening at school with some friends. I always seem to tap into something more general base by analysing situations.

So I came across this connection because at the moment there's a few "problems", shall we say, regarding formal partners. I'm the type of person where I can just sit and talk to almost everyone so I basically have friends in every group in my grade, and through other grades too. So this particular group I'm "part of" have a similar group in a boys school (I go to an all girls school) and there's a usual pairing system between the girls and the boys, however, some girls aren't close to some guys and so on, so forth. The question then lies with who takes the "left over" boys, and basically this is where those two quotes happened to find it's inextricable link to each other.

Girl A wants to take a partner and has the choice between Boy J and Boy C. Girl S, however, didn't initially want a partner but then decided since everyone else was taking one wanted to take one too, but from the boy's group so the boys all knew each other. Since Girl S decided she wanted a partner last she had last pick. So Girl A decides she wants to ask Boy J. Girl S for some peculiar reason desperately wants to take Boy J, and for reasons even more peculiar feels the need to ask Boy J who he'd rather take her or Girl A.

Ok there are several things wrong with this situation. Firstly, Boy J has always been a bit of a tool. Secondly, I don't even know why it even matters who takes who because in the end all the guys are going to be there and so are all the girls. These girls and boys aren't even dating or particularly good friends, so I don't see why who takes who was even something that needed to be decided on anyway.

Back to the situation, so Girl A through the great-vine finds out what Girl S has asked and what Boy J answered (he'd rather Girl S who asked, than Girl A who wants to take him to the formal). A whole heap of secrecy happened from girls who were suppose to be friends with Girl A and pretty much the whole thing just blew up and completely out of hand. (By the way, Boy J did a bit of bitching about everything and everyone)

Although that explanation is probably clearer in my mind as I know who's who and how those proverbs apply here the basic explanation of the link is that one of the girls wanted what she couldn't have so sought for what she wanted, in the end she lost a friendship with multiple people.

However, this is a crazy situation that has completely blown out of proportions, these two proverbs apply to other situations too. I'm an older sister, and I've done this on multiple occasions. Basically what is done is, say there are two different types of chocolate bars; milk and dark. I desperately want the milk because I hate dark, however, my little brother gets the milk. What I do is make the dark seem more enticing and lure my brother in trading. However, whenever that happens I always seem to second guess my trade and wonder if it was right to have traded that dark bar for a milk, I question whether it was in fact better than the milk. I guess this brings me into another proverb; "you can't have your cake and eat it too".

But with all that having been said, all of it comes back to one fatal flaw in the human mind; greed. And greed just leads to more flaws; jealousy, envy.

P.S: I love both milk and dark chocolate by the way.

xx

Validation

Listening to: Ashes - Trivium
Mood: Exhausted

As I sat eating lunch today with my small group of friends, I made an observation. It wasn't the observation that took me by surprise, but how much it occurs, and how everyone, I'm sure, has fallen victim to it at least once before. The need for validation.

So I sat there, and as I observed my group over lunch I saw a plethora of times where someone said something, hoping, waiting for someone to agree with them, to validate their point of view. I know I'm 100% guilty of this. I can almost say I probably seek some sort of validation everyday, in various forms, but nevertheless, validation is sought for.

Just over the course of our mere 40 minute lunch break I witnessed at least 3 different situations where validation was sought for, and they came in their own various forms.

One notable form that validation is sought for is when someone is telling an anecdote and someone joins in, trying to tell their own similar anecdote, but it's an anecdote with no substance. As in there's nothing interesting about it nor funny. Basically something not even worth mentioning. And I watched as this person paused, waiting for someone to validate what they had said. We all just sat there, but not just sitting there like we hadn't heard, but looking from one another with a look that clearly stamped, "what?!"

Another form of validation that I witnessed today was the need to, let's say, purchase validation or friendship. So there's this girl in my group, let's call her M. I'm not by all means saying that what M did was "sucking up", but it definitely felt like it to an extent. So she's not exactly the type of girl that everyone wants to be friends with or hang out with, so our group adopted her. She's the type of person who changes her opinions or whatnot, to fit in better with people, basically, she's a chameleon. A type of personality I despise most, people who have no opinions of their own, or their own 2 cents, it's like talking to a recording of yourself. Anyway, she bought me a chocolate muffin for lunch. It was absolutely lovely of her to do that, it was her shout and all, and completely unnecessary, I had my own money and everything, but nevertheless, she bought me a muffin. But she also bought the rest of my group little goodies too. She's always been the one to bring in cakes and homemade goodies to share, but it's almost like she needs to do something like that to secure her place with us. She says things that she thinks that we'd agree with, and constantly hopes that someone would pat on the head and tell her good job, but quite frankly there's nothing worth a pat on the head for.

Another telltale situation that is common for validation is, I guess you can call it, "fishing for compliments". I've done it, my friends have all pretty much done it before too. This is so common that after a while it's almost unnoticeable. For those who don't know what it is exactly, it's when someone brings up something in a statement, usually a flaw, and hope that someone would counter that statement. For example, "I really suck at painting." Sometimes this can go either way, perhaps they really do suck, and in that case sick it to them; gently. But a lot of the times the person is usually quite good at it and are just hoping that someone would appreciate their work.

When I started this blog entry however many minutes ago, I didn't really have a clear thought in mind, but after writing all that I've come to realise the fatal flaw in humans that influences this common human activity. Insecurities. They can make even the most confident person buckle at the knees, weak with anticipation and hope for validation. Looking back at all those moments where I've sought for validation, they all sourced from one thing, my insecurities. But by no means do those moments of validation build you up, well they definitely haven't helped me, because once someone validates whatever needs validating, you wonder if they truly meant what they said, or whether it was said simply to save you the searing pain of truth.

With all that said, I guess the need for constant validation is closely linked to the fact that no matter what we receive we always want more. What we have, what we get, is just never enough to satisfy us.