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Ghost World


Being Asian, I always hated being stereotyped and grouped as an Asian. Perhaps it's just the fact that I'm so white-washed. However, I've always hated it when I was lumped into a group of Asians because I am one. Throughout my life, I never hung out with a group of Asians, I just didn't fit in. However, I did have good Asian friends, one of my best friend is an Asian. My problem was that because I never really associated myself as an Asian other than my Eastern household, I never felt as if I belonged in a group of Asians. But that's not to say I didn't try.

My first recollection of being in an Asian group was in highschool. My best friend and I had two separate groups and for one reason or another, I sat with her group made of purely Asians for a while and it just didn't feel right. I always felt like I was missing out on something when they conversed. This same feeling was resonated at my second attempt at my second highschool. However, the second time was a bit better. There were at least one or two rather white-washed Asians there that I could relate to. However, as time continued they too began to become more Asian. Going to karaoke, eating out at Asian establishments, listening to Asian music. Just the typical "Asian" things. Things I didn't enjoy doing because I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb.

Throughout my schooling life I had always hung out mainly with those who weren't Asians. Weirdly enough I felt more comfortable. However, this post isn't about my past but about how I despise how some Asians just don't seem to want to integrate themselves into the Western culture. These Asians I speak of are mainly, not all, but mainly those who come to Australia. They come here, learn fragments of English and don't bother picking up the Western culture they have decided to live in. They don't bother immersing themselves into a culture they have decided to surround themselves in. Instead they create they're own sub-culture and live happily in that, ensuring that the Western culture doesn't penetrate their bubble of Eastern.

I firmly believe that if you make the effort to move yourself to another country the only right thing to do is adapt to the new surrounds. To soak in what is new and learn, not to stand back and refuse.

I know in a previous post I spoke of how as a Chinese person I've noticed racism from Australians towards other ethnics, however, being Chinese has also illustrated how the Chinese are too racist towards Australians and other ethnics. It's clear that no matter what race you are, there is a feeling of superiority. The direct Chinese translation of white people is "ghost person". We refer to other Chinese people as "people" but white people as "ghosts". My grandmother also feels the need to critique everything within the Western culture, when she doesn't completely understand. But like I said, no matter what stand point you're at, there is always criticism of other's that we mightn't understand.

xx

For Happiness Sake


In the past couple of days I've had several sit down talks with my parents. The hot topic? My better half, whom they only know as my best friend. They fear that she'll, herself single handedly, will turn me gay. Why? Because being gay is a disease. The all up almost 3hr talk just consisted of them telling me that I have to keep my distance. The first night they agreed they'd be crossing the line by telling me NOT to be friends with her, however, the second night they decide to tell me I have to widen the distance between the two of us.

My parents constantly instill the fact that I have to remain straight to make them happy. What they don't seem to realise is that by them wanting me to make them happy, I'm reducing my happiness. My girl makes me the happiest I've ever been and by them telling me I can't be with her is selfish on their part. Understandably, if I went off with her, I'd be the selfish one. So how's anyone to win?

All my life, all I have done is try to make everyone around me happy. Whether it's by splashing out some money, or doing things for them I know they'll appreciate and love. But now, the one thing I truly want for myself, I can't have. The one thing that makes me happiest in the world, is being barred from my life.

All I truly want is to be able to spend time with her without having to make up some bullshit about who I'm with, and where I am. I wish that when she's over my place, I can hold and cuddle her when I want.

It's obvious my parents know there's something going on, however, they like to live in a world where they believe that their perfect little girl can't do anything wrong, so blame it on someone else. It's always been that way, the blame game. They know that I want to keep everyone happy, especially them, so they try to wedge that into me now and try to get me to end this. Little do they realise though, that I've been in love with her for the last 5 years, and that isn't exactly something that's easily ended.

So how does one maintain the equilibrium of their own happiness and someone else's? Sacrifice has to be made, but at who's expense?

xx
 
Black.Rose | TNB