Kidlets

Listening to: Ellen Degeneres Show
Mood: Exhausted

As procrastination takes over, surfing the internet for entertainment begins. Facebook. Twitter. Ninemsn. Blogger. Ah a new post from a friend of mine, and as I read the post, my mind began to churn and digest the information, opinions, thoughts began to bubble.

It's ironic how life works out, not to mention slightly hypocritical. As I sailed through my last leg of highschool, I glanced back to watch the younger grades, to observe. I watched on as little girls squealed over a friend who bagged herself a boyfriend. I watched as they discussed life changing topics; "what should I wear this weekend?"

I listen on with frustration, and wonder why there is a need to discuss such important, vital topics. However, as my frustration began to seep away I realised, I was no different at that age. I too spoke excitedly about encounters with the opposite sex, I too discussed with friends what I should wear on the weekend, I too squealed with excitement when a friend bagged herself a boyfriend.

It's ironic, hypocritical, call it what you will. As people age, mature, their thoughts and opinions obviously change too. It's all part of life, to laugh at the blunders you made along the way.

So I've criticised the younger kids, what about those my own age? Well, honestly, it's no different. Sometimes I sit and wonder, "Why are we discussing this? Is it necessary?". As I sit here writing this post I'm actually pondering on what I discuss in my circle of friends, what makes time go by as we chat over lunch. Clearly, it's nothing worth remembering as I have no recollection of what I discuss. Sure there's a few things such as upcoming events that we discuss, tv shows/movies. I understand not every discussion must be about something worth remembering, that'd would soon too become blase, but every now and then would spice up the conversations.

Perhaps, I should just stop complaining and start stirring things up a bit more. Note to self.

xx

The Closet

NOTE: I began writing this a long time ago but never posted it up anywhere because it was my creative piece for my HSC and it was for the protection of copyright etc.etc.

They say everyone have skeletons in the closet, but I wonder what the future holds if my closet was to open and my skeletons see the light of day.

Parents say that they will love you no matter what you do, regardless of the stupid mistakes made along the way. They promise to stand by you, but those are mistakes. My closet, my Pandora’s box may test the limits to this theory.

This burden upon my shoulder pulses searing pain allowing it to ricochet off every crevice, every bone, vein in my body. Never ceasing to remind me of what I have kept secret for almost a decade. I guess it just shows the determination of my former eighteen-year-old self. But I don’t believe it was simply determination that kept me quiet, but the fear of being alone, the fear of being the odd one out, the fear of being lost without a guide. There is, however, one person who I’ve shared this burden with for the decade.

“Love, I’m heading down to Woolies. Need anything?”

I turn to see Luci, my beautiful girlfriend of ten years today, standing by the door. Dressed only in a Bond’s singlet, which skimmed over her gorgeous hourglass figure and a pair of boyshorts. She’s the only one I’ve trusted enough to open my closet to, to reveal what makes me me, my true identity. I shook my head and watched as she smiled cheekily before turning to leave.

As I cast my eyes towards the glowing monitor a wooden frame caught my gaze. Trapped inside the four wooden sides were my mother, father and brother, all smiling. So they say parents will love you no matter what, how about siblings? The questions of how they would react if my closet door were to be opened and my skeletons were to roam freely began to bubble in my mind once again.

RING!
The silvery tune of the doorbell pierced my thoughts, drawing me away. I slowly navigated my way through the box maze of our new apartment, our new home. Luci had wondered how I had so much to bring to our new home; I simply said to make it more homely. I guessed she wanted a new, fresh start. Perhaps that’s why she invited my family over for a house warming.

The wooden door let out an eerie creak as it opened to reveal an unlabelled cake box staring at me with a blank stare; a welcoming gift. I carefully picked up the box and found my way to the kitchen. I placed it gently on the bench, eager to find out what delicious surprise I was about to discover.

“Sweet, close your eyes I have a small surprise.”

Without hesitation I allow my eyelids to flutter shut; I watched as everything faded into a dark abyss. Luci’s supple hand slipped into mine.

“Follow me.”
My footstep falling into sync with hers.

As I took a peak, resting on in a small woven basket laid a small puppy. We had discussed getting a puppy, a child several times before, as we couldn’t have kids. We had even thought ahead and purchased an apartment that was pet friendly. We had even thought of a name, Digby.

“I love you.”
And with that she swept in and planted her soft lips against mine.

“What’s in the box?”

The distraction Luci and Digby served drew my thoughts completely away from the mysterious white box. A gentle tug and the lid popped free to reveal a chocolate cake with white cursive handwriting with a distinctive message punctured in.
‘Get out of town fags’

I slammed the lid shut, but it was too late. Luci had seen the message.
“I thought this was a nice neighbourhood.”

I took her into my arms.
“It’s alright. We’ll be alright.”

*

RING! RING!
With anger and fear pulsing through my veins, I approached the door with caution. As I opened the door a whisk of fresh air laced with a familiar fragrant pushed past me; the fragrant that reminded of home, of comfort, my mother. I opened just enough to peak through and it was who I feared most, my family. Their arrival prompted me to think of my dilemma once again, making the cake catastrophe seem like child’s play.

As I slowly lead them to the lounge room my head played multiple scenarios of how I would unveil this burden I’ve been carrying to my family. How I would introduce this girl who’s been in my life for so long to them. I’ve never brought her home to meet my family; this burden had always hindered my ability to do so.

“Mum, dad, Johnny…I need to talk to you.”

The seriousness in my voice washed the smiles from their faces and replaced it with curiosity, confusion and a dash of fear.

“This is my girlfriend Luci…”

My father dared not look me in the eyes. His lips formed the word ‘girlfriend’ before he found his booming loud voice again and announced it, his unexpected booming loud voice throwing everyone off balance. My mother’s eyes welled up in tears and kept asking the same question, why? My older brother, Johnny, all he could do was stare. The silence broken with one statement, “I don’t know you anymore Amelia“ and with that he left, the door severing the ties between brother and sister.

I guess I know what it’s like to have your skeletons walking by your side.

Green-ey'd Monster

Listening to: "Lower It" - A.F.I

Mood: Tired, but happy

What do you do when your insecurities and fears stand in the way of you enjoying and basking in the moment that is now? Your insecurities spark jealous that isn't warranted, your insecurities create an illusion that perhaps things aren't the way you thought they were. What do you do?

Many of these insecurities have roots from somewhere deep, or not so deep, within. Sure I've discussed insecurities before, but this is from a perspective where insecurities induce paranoia, or something along the lines of paranoia.

These insecurities lead you to question things that the "ordinary person" would perhaps not question. However, these insecurities I speak of, which are my own, have been built over the last 18 years and overcoming them would deem to be a more difficult task than one would think. Constantly being put down, being told that no matter what you do you're not good enough for whatever it is, begins to eat away at one's soul. Sure that sounds extreme, but it is. If one's insecurities can lead to things as extreme as paranoia, I don't see why it can't been seen as devouring one's soul, or at least self-esteem.

The problem I face is the constant skepticism that comes to mind when someone tells me something that could be potentially life changing, or perhaps just comments that a rarely presented. However, this life changing situation I face raises many questions of my own identity which I guess I must answer before facing the situation itself. Regardless of how life changing it may be, there are clear and definite lines I mustn't cross, and if so, face severe and harsh consequences.

Everything this person says, or everything this person does, you wonder, could there possibly be another connotation, and with that gears begin to whirl. You wonder why, why me? They answer your question confidently, then you begin to wonder if you really possess the attributes they have presented you with. However, sometimes you truly do believe that it could be true, then those thoughts are rudely interrupted by Mr. Skepticism who shattered the illusion, or perhaps reality you see.

But it isn't only the skepticism that is induced by this insecurity, this demon, but it's the jealousy. As the wondrous William Shakespeare put it, jealousy "is the green-ey'd monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on" and it's true. Jealousy, along with other things, eats up the soul, it's a monster that feeds upon these horrible traits such as jealousy. However, it's inevitable that we fall to the hands of jealousy and become a marionette controlled by a green eye'd puppeteer. Ok perhaps all these metaphors are taking it too far, but you get the idea. I can't help but get jealous when they say something about someone else, and with that the cycle continues and the skepticism steps in to take charge once more.