Hareye Bunny

Listening to: "I'm Not Your Toy" - La Roux

Mood: Homesick

As I wake in a cold pool of sweat, my mind stuck in a state between the conscious and subconscious, my hand begins it's search. Gently slipping, feeling around, trying to find something, someone. Feeling only cool linen sheets, the barrier between the conscious and subconscious collapse. The mind once again in control of the body. The body bolting up, eyes open, scanning the dark room. Nothing. Nobody. Only a single soul fills this bed.

The horror that had awaken the mind, moving it from a deep state of subconscious to a state of limbo floods back. Hitting hard with a surging sense of fear. The blaring red announcing a mere 2am. Quick calculations in a murky mind, it's 11pm, 21hours in the future. You, still at the party, in close proximity with her. Heart palpitating.

Hoping that it was all a dream. Only a dream. You back with her. Photographic evidence. You and her. Together. Lip to lip.

Stuck in a world more than 8100km away from home, away from you, I sit helpless. I lie awake, waiting for sleep and my subconscious to once again take over. Plunge me into a world of imaginations and my inner thoughts.

"And it's been ten days without you in my reach, and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep. And time has changed nothing at all - you're still the only one that feels like home...."

Every opportunity I got to talk to you, I simply didn't know how to tell you. How was I to tell you that despite what you say, my subconscious still had this immense fear of her? Every opportunity I had, I was distracted but the sheer fact I was talking to you. So now as I leave this place of the past I relinquish those fears that had weighed me down.

I no longer fear the future, but embrace it. With you by my side, we can conquer whatever gets thrown in our way.

Je t'aime my little bunny.

xx

Where Do You Get Your Inspiration?

Listening to: "My Number" - Tegan & Sara

Mood: Happy

Where do you get your inspiration?

Chuck Palahniuk. One of my utmost favourite authors. Everything his writes has odd twists and turns you wouldn't expect, always intriguing the reader. I finally got my hands on the final novel of his that I was missing from my collection; "Diary". This novel questioned where one gets their muses from. It explored how one would tap into their creative side, the right side.

One thing that stuck with me was the fact that sparks of inspiration and creativity come from times when emotions are running high. Any emotions regardless of whether they're happy or sad, emotions aid in creativity. Emotions enables us to overcome the barrier between the left and right hemispheres of the brain and allow the two sides to work either together, or enables the right side to dominant temporarily.

I have always found this fact true. When emotions surge through my veins I tend to be able to write better, or compose with much more ease. It's as if when emotions pulse through you allow them to seep into what you write which paints the page with words or little black dots on manuscript.

Also I seem to write and compose best when it's not forced. Though this is a given, I really noticed this during the two HSC years I had just experienced. When I was told to write a creative piece for English, or to compose a piece of music, I never enjoyed the process and it showed in the end result. I didn't like a single piece of writing or music I wrote in Year 11, they simply didn't represent me or have any elements of me, it was merely words on a page and notes on a staff. However, in the summer holidays (actually these holidays but a year ago) I began writing things just for fun because I had all the time in the world to muck around. The two compositions I submitted for my HSC started from those snippets of boredom compositions I had produced. My English creative began as a personal piece which fitted perfected for the requirements.

I was going to write a creative piece for this entry, but simply couldn't produce any ideas or any start. Not going to try anymore, just let whatever happens happen.

xx

Protection Or Control?

Listening to: "The Nanny" (TV show)

Mood: Happy but exhausted

There's a fine line between being protective, and being controlling, but where does this line lie? When does being protective suddenly topple over the line and become controlling?

As my background is Asian, this line isn't very prominent. My parents always say "we're doing it to protect you" but many times it seems controlling. Every movement is restricted at every angle. They control my income as they are my employees. They control what I wear buy restrict what they buy me, and obviously as the income I receive is controlled, therefore what I can spend is restricted. Even the way I look is almost regulated, though I do try to "do what I please".

The income I receive is limited by what wages they pay me per day. No, I'm not allowed to take up another job to get more money because "family business comes first".

Recently I chopped off my long locks. I had hair down past my boobs, it is now only about a few centimeters long. The moment I walked through the door they gasped "omg you look like a lesbian now!", how ironic. Regardless, they had a huge hissy-fit and constantly declared that I'm becoming gay. (Guess it shouldn't come as a surprise now that I am dating a girl.)

They control what I wear by trying to guilt trip me into changing. They know that I would do my best to please them as I'm one of those people who try to please everyone and never disappoint. They complain that they can see a bra-strap, they complain because they can see a little cleavage. They tell me I'm too fat to wear short dresses or skirts, or even tight clothing.

They too try to regulate what I attend, and who I'm with. Since turning 18, one rule regards clubbing. I am unable to attend unless with my older cousin, or a boyfriend. My cousin stuck up a bargain, if I take her, I pay for everything. Drinks, entry fee, everything. The latter option is not a viable option at all.

I think being brought up in an environment like this has influenced me, no surprises there. I feel too that the line between protection and control is blurred for me. I try to do things to protect my girl, but sometimes I feel I've overstepped the boundary and have begun to control her by regulating what she does. I tell myself it's for her own good, for her health that I try to regulate what she does, but it's also because what she does goes against my own morals.

In some areas the distinction between protection and control are obvious, in other situations, it's not so obvious. So I guess all you can do is stand up for yourself when the time comes but don't fight everything because sometimes it's truly good for you.

xx