New Project

I mentioned in my previous post that I was searching for my passion, photography being the last one discussed. I also love sewing and making things, especially clothing. So I've started to sew and dress-making again, not very well, but I'm doing the best I can with my lack of experience and my hand-sewing techniques.

Check out http://margaretye.blogspot.com/ to see what I've been up to.

I was at my parent's this week and some bougainvilleas were hanging over the pool and I took a nice snap of it.

Passion For Photography

At this very moment in time I'm unsure of what I want to become 'when I grow up', so I'm going to try a variety of things to try find what my passion is.

I love photography and I'm seriously considering getting back into it. By seriously I mean save up for an expensive Nikon camera I've been eyeing off.

Here are some of my favourite photos I've taken.

Pin-hole camera

3m Diving Board, School

Nikon D50

Tree stump, Hawaii

Nikon D50

Black sand beach, Hawaii

Sony Cybershot

Staircase, Tasmania

Sony Cybershot

Cherry Blossoms, Great Wall of China

Brink Of Insanity

I watch as the time creeps by, each second ticking away on the white face beside my bed. What was once my time to wind down, to review my day’s decisions, is now eclipsed by this emptiness; a mental block. The life that was once clear, focussed and laid out is now a pool of murky thoughts.

Two candidates sit before me, both with contradicting properties, both of which leads me down a different variation of myself and my life. What was seemingly perfect now blares its imperfections, searing it into memories.

I observe closely at the hearts splayed out in front of me, wondering which is more worthy. Both screaming out for attention, requiring some acknowledgement that they have a place in my heart. One ready to bite the bullet, and the other not so willing. However, no matter what, me being the link between the two, will endure the biggest loss of all.

Who knew a simple “I love you” would transform what was once a selfless person into someone who must for the first time become selfish. Both declaring their love, proclaiming how I’m their one. I sit and ponder whether either are mine.

My thoughts slowly devour my soul, leaving a husk of what I used to be. The person that they fell in love with slowly disappearing, succumbed to the numbness that embraces my mind, body and soul.

“If you’ll be my star, I’ll be your sky. You can hide underneath me and come out at night. When I turn to jet black and you show off your light. I live to let you shine.”

I feel myself drift into the dark corners of my mind. Those suppressed feelings of a time long gone now floods to the surface. Those haunting memories of self-destruction bubbles to a point where all you can do is surrender and be swept away in that moment.

The feeling of strength I once possessed now seeps away with every rolling tear. A battle I can no longer fight, I slump back and wonder what more I can do. Personal morals and promises slowly deteriorate with every ounce of energy I have remaining.

I tread carefully on the line of sanity; a soft breeze could trap me in a world where my mind dictates where my life goes from here on in. I watch as the life I am to live passes me by. Those who once looked through to very core of my soul now fears being drawn deep into the void that has begun to eat away at me.

No-one is quite sure how lightly to tread. My mind has become a minefield, where every step is a conscious effort to remain in this world.

One can only wander in this world of limbo for so long before the inevitable happens.

All For Nothing

What do you do when you feel your world spiral out of control? Where everything you once knew has gone and you’re left in the rubble – the remains of what once was your everything. You search frantically, trying to find remnants of something, of good times passed. Those perfect moments slowly fading into oblivion, leaving you with the bitter taste of reality. Everything you once had, diminished to nothing. You had it all, but you threw it away in the name of love. Cliché?

You glance across the pillowing white sheets and hope that you could be swallowed and smothered in their cushiony comfort – your last breath being taken away gently and softly. No stress, no struggle.

*

As a child your fears are instilled in you. You are taught to fear. Fear doesn’t come naturally; it’s not instinctual until a threat (which is too taught) is presented. The first threat we are taught; a treat to our health and happiness. As human beings we do anything and everything to avoid being hurt, thus fear is created.

No one can avoid being hurt, it’s impossible. However, the extent to which you can be hurt is within your control. Each person has their own defence mechanism, a mechanism that operates subconsciously and consciously. Some people’s better than other’s. Some explode in anger and heated rage. Some withdraw and let their pain swallow them whole. Some unfortunate few are caught in both extremes, leaving them unable to communicate their thoughts coherently.

*

In a world as vast as ours, simple human emotions still orbit around one’s ability to sympathise and empathise with others. Without this ability you are deemed unable to connect with your fellow human peers. This inability renders you almost unhuman. As humans we seek individuals we can empathise with and gain sympathy from. If unable to gain sympathy when situations arise, one could go to the extreme of creating a situation where a feeling of warm sympathy wrapping its arms around you is achieved.

If this person happened to be one of the unfortunate few who is caught on the spectrum of extreme defence mechanisms and is too the same person who is unable to successfully obtain sympathy then problems begin to arise. This individual’s inability to communicate due to their thoughts being scattered and therefore speech is incoherent, creates problems when in dire need of sympathy. As this individual cannot request a need for sympathy more lucidly they begin to push those around them away so to victimise themselves in their mind and begin to sympathise with themselves. Since they cannot receive sympathy from others they must sympathise and empathise with themselves to fulfil that void where they are ignored.

If this destructive cycle continues, it chips away and eventually will consume this person whole. They would have pushed every person that was ever close to them away leaving them alone and in a pit of misery, where they once again begin to sympathise with themselves. Although this is not the most ideal method of dealing with situations, those trapped in this cycle find it difficult to free themselves from the destructive behaviour they exhibit.

So what does one do when their everything seems to be worth nothing?

Someone Else's Shoes

Have you ever felt that someone else's shoes are simply too big to fill? That you could never induce the same feelings in someone that someone else could?

That's how I feel and have felt for the last 6 months.

No matter what I do, there always seems to be this shadow looming over head that constantly reminds me of how someone else was always better. This person (let's call them Carol) Carol could subconsciously control another person (let's call them Henry) Henry's emotions. Carol made Henry the happiest he's ever been but could make him cry like there was no tomorrow. There was something that Carol possessed that I do not and I can't quite seem to get it right.

I'm not nearly as intellectual as Carol, nor do I have an edge. I cannot sing to save my life, and she made a life out of singing. I must admit, she's pretty damn good looking and I don't quite sit on the spectrum as high as her.

I know that I shouldn't be comparing myself to her, she was the past and I am the present. I don't want Carol to be erased because she did much good but in my view, she did much more bad than good. In the end Carol crushed and tossed Henry aside, I could never do that.

All this said, there are somethings that Henry has mentioned that soothes me at heart. The fact that what I see, Henry's inner 5-year-old, is his true self that he doesn't reveal very often. This inner 5-year-old who is predominately there than not, although sometimes a little frustrating, is the person who loves me most.

I know there are many things I have grasp on that puts me miles ahead of her, but it's these little things I wish I could possess. But you always want what you don't have. There is always something more out there that you want and it doesn't matter how much you already have.

But no matter how much time has passed, these images in my head play over and over again. These images of you and her.

Façades

One person holds many identities, all of which can be interchangeable depending on the situation at hand. One could be a sister, wife, employee, student, Chinese. They can be dependent on one's gender or simply their status in society.

I've always known that I had many identities which I had to live up to, but in recent times it has been painfully obvious how with each identity I act very differently. With my friends I'm loud, opinionated and slightly crazy. With my partner I'm romantic, bubbly in a flirty way and definitely girlier. With new people I'm shy, quiet and overly smiley. I act in a way in how I'm comfortable that certain group perceives me.

I have a few people, two to be exact, whom I always feel slightly intimidated by and am always self-conscious about what I say and how intellectual I sound. They are both much more mature than I and in my opinion world's more intellectual than myself, so I don't tend to speak or dominate the conversation so much, just in case.

Also I've notice you put me with certain people such as my parents and you will see me ready to argue and full of opinions and corrections, but with other's like those I mentioned, I'm ready to accept and listen to what they have to say.

Not only do these tolerance levels of people flux depending on whom it's concerning, my confidence only appears in certain departments. Some females, for reasons I do not understand, find it embarrassing to buy pads and tampons or ask for some, let alone admit they have their period. I have absolutely no problem with going out there in search of a pad or tampon. I also have no problem striking up conversations with people if I'm on my own, but if I have another person with me, meeting new people is difficult because I would sit back and observe.

I've also noticed how violently my mood changes are depending on whom I am with. When I'm with my friends I'm a little bit crazy, but overall, happy. When I'm with my partner, no matter how terrible I felt before, when I'm with her it feels like there's nothing wrong in the world. I feel honestly on top of the world, I can't stop smiling, even hours after leaving her presence. When I'm with my parents I feel melancholy and prepared to put out an argument defending my point of view, which is futile as it is always disregarded regardless of how brilliant my argument was.

One thing I have learnt about myself recently is that I hate to be humiliated, or seem to need help. I don't really like being helped. That's definitely the pedantic, OCD side of me that shines through in that circumstance. I realised this today where I was left out on my own to find my way around the labyrinth that is Sydney University. I was too embarrassed to whip out a map like many other's were doing, not to mention too embarrassed to seem like I was lost or looking around, so asking someone for directions was a big no-no. (I have no problem asking for directions if I was in a bookstore for example) So thank god for technology advancement, I used my iPhone discreetly to search up directions to each of my lecture halls.

I guess 2010, this new decade, has really enabled me to learn more about myself on almost a daily basis.

xx

Ghost World

Being Asian, I always hated being stereotyped and grouped as an Asian. Perhaps it's just the fact that I'm so white-washed. However, I've always hated it when I was lumped into a group of Asians because I am one. Throughout my life, I never hung out with a group of Asians, I just didn't fit in. However, I did have good Asian friends, one of my best friend is an Asian. My problem was that because I never really associated myself as an Asian other than my Eastern household, I never felt as if I belonged in a group of Asians. But that's not to say I didn't try.

My first recollection of being in an Asian group was in highschool. My best friend and I had two separate groups and for one reason or another, I sat with her group made of purely Asians for a while and it just didn't feel right. I always felt like I was missing out on something when they conversed. This same feeling was resonated at my second attempt at my second highschool. However, the second time was a bit better. There were at least one or two rather white-washed Asians there that I could relate to. However, as time continued they too began to become more Asian. Going to karaoke, eating out at Asian establishments, listening to Asian music. Just the typical "Asian" things. Things I didn't enjoy doing because I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb.

Throughout my schooling life I had always hung out mainly with those who weren't Asians. Weirdly enough I felt more comfortable. However, this post isn't about my past but about how I despise how some Asians just don't seem to want to integrate themselves into the Western culture. These Asians I speak of are mainly, not all, but mainly those who come to Australia. They come here, learn fragments of English and don't bother picking up the Western culture they have decided to live in. They don't bother immersing themselves into a culture they have decided to surround themselves in. Instead they create they're own sub-culture and live happily in that, ensuring that the Western culture doesn't penetrate their bubble of Eastern.

I firmly believe that if you make the effort to move yourself to another country the only right thing to do is adapt to the new surrounds. To soak in what is new and learn, not to stand back and refuse.

I know in a previous post I spoke of how as a Chinese person I've noticed racism from Australians towards other ethnics, however, being Chinese has also illustrated how the Chinese are too racist towards Australians and other ethnics. It's clear that no matter what race you are, there is a feeling of superiority. The direct Chinese translation of white people is "ghost person". We refer to other Chinese people as "people" but white people as "ghosts". My grandmother also feels the need to critique everything within the Western culture, when she doesn't completely understand. But like I said, no matter what stand point you're at, there is always criticism of other's that we mightn't understand.

xx

For Happiness Sake

In the past couple of days I've had several sit down talks with my parents. The hot topic? My better half, whom they only know as my best friend. They fear that she'll, herself single handedly, will turn me gay. Why? Because being gay is a disease. The all up almost 3hr talk just consisted of them telling me that I have to keep my distance. The first night they agreed they'd be crossing the line by telling me NOT to be friends with her, however, the second night they decide to tell me I have to widen the distance between the two of us.

My parents constantly instill the fact that I have to remain straight to make them happy. What they don't seem to realise is that by them wanting me to make them happy, I'm reducing my happiness. My girl makes me the happiest I've ever been and by them telling me I can't be with her is selfish on their part. Understandably, if I went off with her, I'd be the selfish one. So how's anyone to win?

All my life, all I have done is try to make everyone around me happy. Whether it's by splashing out some money, or doing things for them I know they'll appreciate and love. But now, the one thing I truly want for myself, I can't have. The one thing that makes me happiest in the world, is being barred from my life.

All I truly want is to be able to spend time with her without having to make up some bullshit about who I'm with, and where I am. I wish that when she's over my place, I can hold and cuddle her when I want.

It's obvious my parents know there's something going on, however, they like to live in a world where they believe that their perfect little girl can't do anything wrong, so blame it on someone else. It's always been that way, the blame game. They know that I want to keep everyone happy, especially them, so they try to wedge that into me now and try to get me to end this. Little do they realise though, that I've been in love with her for the last 5 years, and that isn't exactly something that's easily ended.

So how does one maintain the equilibrium of their own happiness and someone else's? Sacrifice has to be made, but at who's expense?

xx

The Perfect Body

So as I flicked through this weekend's newspaper I realised that body-image is becoming more and more out of hand. First it was girls and their anorexia, bulimia and now it's men with their bigorexia.

Having attended an all girl's school for the past 8 years, the whole idea of the perfect body image is ridiculous. It's imposed at every turn in magazines, other girl's, family. It seems to be endless.

It was only recently that I really started to become comfortable in my own body and eat what I please, when I please. Before I use to skip several meals and count every single calorie I consume and ensure it was no more than 1200.

My better half has really helped me overcome this problem and I'm grateful that she has helped me overcome something that I've struggled with for my whole life. But that's not to say I don't have days where I just simply feel disgusted, like a few nights ago I consumed a whole block of Lindt chocolate and a whole packet of chocolate digestive biscuits. I still binge every now and then, which I should really learn to stop doing.

However, I've always seem to hear all my friends complain about something. My best friend complains about how she's not pretty enough and therefore no boys will ever like her. My better half, as much as I tell her otherwise, still believes she's fat. Both don't see that their not ugly or fat, respectively. I can tell them every day and it wouldn't matter.

Firstly, I think my best friend's got many amazing attributes working for her. Internal and external. Secondly, my better half, she's absolutely beautiful and gorgeous. I tell her this all the time and she seems to ignore me. Hopefully if I keep telling her, one of these days it'll stick. Patience is virtue.

My brother on the opposite hand always feels the need to "buff" up. He works out in our home gym an hour every morning which includes weights and cardio. In the afternoon, after school he will go play tennis with friends and/or do 2hrs worth of tennis training. So all up he does about 3hrs of exercise a day, which is ridiculous considering I do an hour and a half of ballet a week by comparison.

No matter what you think or feel you look like, somebody else out there will be jealous of what you have.

xx

Twenty-Ten

Listening to: "Across The Universe" (Film)

Mood: Tired

Every year people swear to abide by their new set of new year's resolution. People creating a list of things they want to begin or change, the new goals for the year that are somewhat destined to fail. At least, that's the experience I've had with my own resolutions. As the year rolls to a close, nothing seems to have been achieved to the extent I had hoped. This is year is no different, except I didn't get to stay up till 2 in the morning eating junk and writing out the list with my best friend.

Thus far the last few years my resolutions have consisted of "staying fit" and "doing well at school". These, however, have proven futile over the years. So this year, the final year of the first decade in the new millennium I decided instead of the typical, "doing well at school" which should be a given especially now after all the hard work I put into getting into university.

So what do I plan to do for the next 11 months?

• be more confident in myself

Sure, it's only one thing; baby steps. If I only set myself one or two goals I'm more likely to achieve them than if I had a long list of things. However, I did want to begin ballet, which I have successfully done, now all I have to do is continue and not quit.

I guess I also want to be a little less shy when I'm around new people. I've always been the type of person who sits and observes everything first, then on the second or so meeting I'll be able to talk a little more freely. This year, more than ever, I'll really have to be more confident and less shy as I'll be throw in an environment where everything will be different at school.

There are definitely other things I want to do, such as, not being so secretive and being more open to voice my opinions and feelings. I've always been the type to bottle everything up, even when I talk to my better half, which is frustrating on her part.

This year I don't want all my resolutions merely to be an exterior, superficial thing. I want to change myself, make myself better permanently.

So for the next 11 months I will aim to achieve:

• being more confident
• being more vocal
• being less shy

xx

Being Chinese

Listening to: "The Con" - Tegan & Sara

Mood: Excited

Tomorrow marks Australia's 222nd Birthday. A day where the feel of patriotism is heightened and reaches it's zenith. However, with this heightened patriotism of the homeland that is Australia, comes a slight hand of racism. Though this underlying sense of racism has always been present it isn't until a holiday where the booze is running that racism becomes more predominate.

Being an Asian, I have noticed how differently I am treated compared to my friends. I don't really have Asian friends, they're almost all caucasian, and going out with them you can really see the difference. I was born and raised in Sydney, Australia so I've been told I don't have an accent at all, and my mindset is that of an Australian and not Chinese.

So what have I seen? Well I haven't really been attacked as such for being Chinese, maybe a few sly comments here and there, but nothing that really hurt me. But having said that, I never really identified myself as an Asian, so I guess racist comments weren't really taken into account. To be completely honest, I throw racist comments about Asians all the time, which is really rather bad.

The main thing I've noticed, is the slowed and clarified speech. I used to find this irritating and begin to talk REALLY fast and clear in English (those Speech&Drama classes for 10 years really comes in handy hear for clarity of speech), but now I simply find it hilarious. It seems to be automatic in those who do it as sometimes after my fast and clear English, they still continue to talk slowly and articulated.

Despite being a multi-cultured society, this underlying racism is never going to be completely eradicated. We're all Australians, so what makes some people think they're more superior? To be completely truthful, Aboriginals were the first Australians as they were here first. The first fleet brought over convicts from Britain, so they too are technically immigrants in this country. Sure I may be the first generation immigrant in my family, but I consider myself Australian. Despite the cultural clashes and the missing of a complete "all-Australian" childhood, I still identify as an Australian.

Nobody has the right to tell someone else where he or she belongs. Every person has the right to discover where they belong without fear.

Valentine's Day

Listening to: "The L Word S4E1" (TV show)

Mood: Exhausted

My family business thrives off the business we receive during the Valentine's day period. It is a big time of year where we are busiest, hence me working full time immediately after completing my HSC.

So as I slaved away in the 30 degree humid weather, I realised something; Valentine's day is futile. It's a day where people go out and splash money on things that are overpriced for that day. A single rose would normally sell for about $5, but on Valentine's day it would sell for about $15.

I'm not saying I don't like the meaning behind Valentine's day, it's more the fact that it's become such a marketing scheme. My main concern about this stupid day is the fact that there is a dedicated day out of 365 days a year that people show and prove that you love the one you do. That is pure bullshit. Why must you only show and prove that you love your loved one only one day? What about the other 364 days?

I love my girl, and I try to show her that every day. It's pathetic that people only get lovey dovey on that one day. If you love them, show them at every moment, every turn. It shouldn't be a mere 24hr bug then suddenly you're back to reality where you don't show you love each other any more.

Today my father said something that annoyed me. The Minister for climate change and water is Penny Wong, a Chinese and a lesbian. I aspire to work in the legal field, and my father said, "you're better than Penny Wong, because you're not gay." Who's to say that straight people are more superior than gays? Straight people already get all the rights that THEY deserve, but gays don't because their inferior. Well there's no discrimination there, no breach of human rights. It's absolute utter bullshit.

Same sex; same entitlements.

xx