I watch as the time creeps by, each second ticking away on the white face beside my bed. What was once my time to wind down, to review my day’s decisions, is now eclipsed by this emptiness; a mental block. The life that was once clear, focussed and laid out is now a pool of murky thoughts.
Two candidates sit before me, both with contradicting properties, both of which leads me down a different variation of myself and my life. What was seemingly perfect now blares its imperfections, searing it into memories.
I observe closely at the hearts splayed out in front of me, wondering which is more worthy. Both screaming out for attention, requiring some acknowledgement that they have a place in my heart. One ready to bite the bullet, and the other not so willing. However, no matter what, me being the link between the two, will endure the biggest loss of all.
Who knew a simple “I love you” would transform what was once a selfless person into someone who must for the first time become selfish. Both declaring their love, proclaiming how I’m their one. I sit and ponder whether either are mine.
My thoughts slowly devour my soul, leaving a husk of what I used to be. The person that they fell in love with slowly disappearing, succumbed to the numbness that embraces my mind, body and soul.
“If you’ll be my star, I’ll be your sky. You can hide underneath me and come out at night. When I turn to jet black and you show off your light. I live to let you shine.”
I feel myself drift into the dark corners of my mind. Those suppressed feelings of a time long gone now floods to the surface. Those haunting memories of self-destruction bubbles to a point where all you can do is surrender and be swept away in that moment.
The feeling of strength I once possessed now seeps away with every rolling tear. A battle I can no longer fight, I slump back and wonder what more I can do. Personal morals and promises slowly deteriorate with every ounce of energy I have remaining.
I tread carefully on the line of sanity; a soft breeze could trap me in a world where my mind dictates where my life goes from here on in. I watch as the life I am to live passes me by. Those who once looked through to very core of my soul now fears being drawn deep into the void that has begun to eat away at me.
No-one is quite sure how lightly to tread. My mind has become a minefield, where every step is a conscious effort to remain in this world.
One can only wander in this world of limbo for so long before the inevitable happens.
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