Green-ey'd Monster

Listening to: "Lower It" - A.F.I

Mood: Tired, but happy

What do you do when your insecurities and fears stand in the way of you enjoying and basking in the moment that is now? Your insecurities spark jealous that isn't warranted, your insecurities create an illusion that perhaps things aren't the way you thought they were. What do you do?

Many of these insecurities have roots from somewhere deep, or not so deep, within. Sure I've discussed insecurities before, but this is from a perspective where insecurities induce paranoia, or something along the lines of paranoia.

These insecurities lead you to question things that the "ordinary person" would perhaps not question. However, these insecurities I speak of, which are my own, have been built over the last 18 years and overcoming them would deem to be a more difficult task than one would think. Constantly being put down, being told that no matter what you do you're not good enough for whatever it is, begins to eat away at one's soul. Sure that sounds extreme, but it is. If one's insecurities can lead to things as extreme as paranoia, I don't see why it can't been seen as devouring one's soul, or at least self-esteem.

The problem I face is the constant skepticism that comes to mind when someone tells me something that could be potentially life changing, or perhaps just comments that a rarely presented. However, this life changing situation I face raises many questions of my own identity which I guess I must answer before facing the situation itself. Regardless of how life changing it may be, there are clear and definite lines I mustn't cross, and if so, face severe and harsh consequences.

Everything this person says, or everything this person does, you wonder, could there possibly be another connotation, and with that gears begin to whirl. You wonder why, why me? They answer your question confidently, then you begin to wonder if you really possess the attributes they have presented you with. However, sometimes you truly do believe that it could be true, then those thoughts are rudely interrupted by Mr. Skepticism who shattered the illusion, or perhaps reality you see.

But it isn't only the skepticism that is induced by this insecurity, this demon, but it's the jealousy. As the wondrous William Shakespeare put it, jealousy "is the green-ey'd monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on" and it's true. Jealousy, along with other things, eats up the soul, it's a monster that feeds upon these horrible traits such as jealousy. However, it's inevitable that we fall to the hands of jealousy and become a marionette controlled by a green eye'd puppeteer. Ok perhaps all these metaphors are taking it too far, but you get the idea. I can't help but get jealous when they say something about someone else, and with that the cycle continues and the skepticism steps in to take charge once more.